Yes, all of this was a nightmare.  A horrible nightmare.  Although, I was relieved that it wasn’t real, I lay awake in bed afraid.  I was terrified that, should I go back to sleep, I would re-enter the dream from where I left off – with JSL lying lifeless on the floor.  The image of JSL laying there, face down with his arms splayed, was (and remains) burned into my brain.  Though I was exhausted, I forced myself to stay awake for a few minutes.  Thankfully, the rest of my dreams were free of injured children.

Have you ever experienced a very realistic dream about your children being hurt?

Disclaimer: The image above, Turtle-Hits the Floor, was obtained from OpenClipArt.org.

Imagine my shock, then, when NHL, JSL and I were watching a Muppet Show DVD and NHL asked me: "Dad, are the Muppets real?"  I was completely caught off-guard.  The realist in me wanted to say "No, they are pieces of fabric that people shove their hands into."   Meanwhile, the Disney lover in me wanted to say "Yes, they are.  Kermit and Miss Piggy live in a house just outside of Hollywood, California" so that he would hold onto the magic just a little bit more.

Composing myself, I decided to turn the question around.  I asked him if *HE* thought they were real.  He thought for a second and answered that they were real.  I decided to leave him with this as his answer.

This came up again when we went to see The Laurie Berkner Band perform at Proctors Theatre in Schenectady.  They asked me if Laurie Berkner was real.  When I said she was, they didn’t believe me.  They were convinced that Laurie was some made-up character from Jack’s Big Music Show.  When an actual person showed up on stage, they couldn’t believe it.  (It surprised me as they’ve seen TV kids singers on stage before.  Namely, the Wiggles.)

It should be interesting as they discover what is real and what isn’t.  I just hope that they realize that there can still be magic in characters even if they don’t really exist as you see them on the screen.

What do you tell your kids about the reality of fictional characters?

Listening to this story, I can’t help but think about my experiences with bullying and how they seem similar.  Bullies will often dictate the terms of the bully-bullied exchanges.  They will tell the bullied that they can’t tell anyone or else.  It’s a way of gaining additional power over your victim.  Besides, if you set the rules, you’re assured that you will always win.

When one is bullied or when one is confronting a respected icon, the social pressure is very similar.  There is constant pressure to keep quiet.  To mind your own business and not get involved or, if you are involved, to not seek outside help.  After all, those are the rules and you must obey the rules!

Even after I escaped my bullying scenario, I felt this pressure.  One time in college, I returned to my dorm room to see a door open and a guy and a girl play-fighting.  The guy got her into a hold she couldn’t escape from and she called to ask for my help.  I started to go in that direction and the guy told me to leave them alone.  I immediately turned around and headed into my room.

While I don’t think anything bad happened, I still, to this day, regret that decision.  Someone asked me for help (even if it was just play-fighting) and I should have helped.  While I can’t correct past mistakes, I can prevent future ones.  I can learn not to give into societal pressures to keep quiet and I can teach my boys the same lesson.

The second story on my mind involves a ten year old girl who committed suicide after being bullied.  I shudder at the thought of this happening to my boys.  When I was bullied, I believed that I had to handle it myself.  I didn’t think that I could talk to my parents or teachers about it.  That isolation got to be almost more than I could bear at times.  I would dread going to school because of the mental torture that that building held for me.  I never got to the point where I considered ending my life, however.  We’ve already spoken to NHL about bullying as, sadly, he’s experienced it first hand.  How do you talk to your eight-year old about suicide, though?

In the final story, a special needs child who was bullied by her teachers.  The teachers, principal, and even superintendent called the girl a liar for the “stories” she told about the teachers’ tormenting behaviors.  The superintendant even had the gall to tell the father that he was bordering on slander and harassment by making these claims.  Their investigations, they asserted, showed that these were made up stories that the girl was telling.  (Never mind that their “investigation” consisted of nothing more than asking the accused teachers what happened.)

Thankfully, the father didn’t back down.  He hid an audio recording device on his daughter and recorded 7 hours of verbal abuse.  Once presented with recordings, the school finally acted.

How do these three stories tie together?  I think they all illustrate how we need to react and teach our kids to respond to bullying.  First, we can’t allow ourselves to be silenced by societal pressure.  If you are being bullied, speak up.  If you know someone who is being bullied speak up.  Break those bully-set rules and get loud about the abuse.

Secondly, we need to support our children when they are bullied.  Not just in our actions to resolve the bullying situations, but also by sitting down with our kids and talking about what was happening.  The more support our kids receive, the better they’ll be able to deal with the situation.

Finally, never give up.  If the teacher won’t act, talk to the principal.  If the principal turns a blind eye, go to the superintendent.  Keep going higher and making more noise.  Threaten to go to the press.  Follow through.  Don’t take “no” for an answer.

Here’s hoping that no more people keep quiet, that no more boys or girls take their own lives, and that no more kids need to grow up knowing the torture that is being bullied.

1. Get in your PJs
2. Go to the bathroom
3. Brush your teeth
4. Get into your bed
5. Go to sleep

The battles start with Step 1.  Oftentimes, we’ll tell the kids to get in their PJs before bedtime.  This way, when bedtime arrives, we won’t be yelling at them to hurry.  However, the kids are never quite ready to start getting ready for sleep.  They’ll cry about how early it is, how they can still see the sun (applicable in the summer when the sun seems to set at around midnight), or how they’re in the middle of their TV program.

When they get their PJs, they insist on changing in the living room.  Remember that TV program they were watching?  That becomes a distraction.  Left to their own devices, they’ll sit half undressed watching Dora’s latest attempt to ward off Swiper’s kleptomania.

Finally, with the kids in bed, the time comes for Steps 2 and 3.  Go potty and brush your teeth.  We have only one bathroom downstairs and it is too small for one person to be performing Step 2 while another person does Step 3.  This means that someone needs to go first.

Most times, when it comes to boys, asking “who wants to [INSERT SOMETHING HERE] first?” will result in the boys jockeying to claim the right to be the first.  It doesn’t matter if the first and second place both get identical ice cream sandwiches, carbon-copy coins, or twin toys.  The goal is to be the first one to get the item or get to do the activity.

Except for bed time.

They never want to be first for bed time.

A few weeks ago, in a fit of cleverness, I devised a system.  I told NHL and JSL that we’d go by odd numbered days and even numbered days.  Since NHL was our 1st child and the number 1 is odd, NHL has to go first on odd numbered days.  Since JSL was our 2nd child and the number 2 is even, he goes first on even numbered days.  (I wonder what will happen when NHL realizes that there are more odd numbered days in a year than even numbered ones thanks to 31 day months.)

This seems to work pretty well.  They still protest, but I just say “It’s an odd/even day so you go first.”  Usually, that will quiet them down.

Now that we’re up to Step 4, things tend to quiet down a bit.  JSL needs to say good night to everyone and give them kisses and hugs, NHL is content to just jump into his bed.  Battle won?  No, just lulling us into a false sense of security.

Now comes time to go to sleep.  This is where they pull out the big guns.  First, JSL will need a nightly drink of water.  (Which must be taken when the lights are out and after he’s laid down to sleep for some reason.)  NHL will try to talk to us about his day or some random TV show plot.  JSL will claim to have had nightmares (before he actually falls asleep).  And so on and so on.

Eventually, the bed time music and dark room turn the tide and the kids lose the bedtime battle.  Still, we emerge, not victorious, but frazzled and weary.  How many more battles must we wage before they go to bed without complaining?

(As usual, click on the photos to enlarge them.)

After apple picking, the boys were tired and thirsty.  We considered going for ice cream, but every place was too crowded.  Besides, the apple orchard had affected B’s breathing.  (Which was already impacted from recovering from being sick.)  We needed a nice spot to relax for a few hours and B’s parents’ house got chosen.

After a short rest, NHL wanted to do something.  B and I considered it and we came up with going on a leaf-photography trip together.  First, we went home and dropped off the apples.  (This is when I weighed them too.)  I got NHL’s camera and off we went.

First stop was back to B’s parents’ house to drop off the car.  Then, we began walking.  As we walked, we talked and occasionally took photos of interesting things that we saw.

Despite the warm weather, there was no denying fall was in the air.

Eventually, we reached our destination: A local pond.  As I had guessed, the ducks were spending some time by the shore.

NHL spotted a small playground nearby and I let him play there for a bit.  Then, we went back to taking photos.

It was nice spending some quiet time bonding with NHL and he did me proud by spotting some nice shots.

Before long, though, a mistake I made prior to us leaving caught up with us.  I had forgotten to get NHL to go to the bathroom.  We had no car, there was no bathroom at the pond and we had a good 10 minute walk back to B’s parents’ house.  NHL held it in and didn’t complain much as we walked back.

Along the way, we spotted landmarks, like the stairs where we saw a chipmunk hop by as we had walked to the pond.

As we got closer, NHL was definitely slowing down more and getting a bit more cranky (as any tired, potty-emergency-stricken kid might be).  Still, he had moments when he’d ask me to take a photo.  Like of this tree that he thought looked like a monster.

In the end, we made it back.  We had a great time, made some great memories, and have some great photos to boot.  I need to take more of these walking trips with NHL before the snow begins to fall.

The above words were written as we planned for a wonderful 10th anniversary trip in Disney without the kids.  Instead, Hurricane Irene hit.  Our original plan was to drive to my parents’ house on Sunday, stay until Tuesday and then fly out leaving my parents in charge of the kids.

Let me repeat part of that.  The original plan was to drive to my parents’ house on Sunday.  My parents’ house on Long Island.  My parents’ house on Long Island that Irene was bearing down on.  Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen.

Then, we decided to wait for Monday to see whether we should cancel or go.   However, attempting to plan for two very different scenarios (stuck at home for a week or away from home for a week) was too stressful.  Plus, if we lost power, we might not be *able* to cancel in time.  We finally decided to cancel and focus on staying safe until Irene passed.

Thankfully, both Disney and Southwest Airlines were great about refunding our money (Disney) and giving us credit for another plane trip (Southwest).  Hopefully, we’ll get a chance to take a sans kid romantic vacation sometime soon.

My Aloha Friday question was going to be: What is the longest that you’ve been away from your kids?

Considering that our vacation was cancelled, though, I’ll ask: Have you ever had to change your vacation plans due to weather?

Actually, why not answer both?

Don’t forget to enter my Hot Wheels Nitro Speeders giveaway!

Thanks to Kailani at An Island Life for starting this fun for Friday. Please be sure to head over to her blog to say hello and sign the linky there if you are participating.

Aloha #103

I began to wonder how a parent drinking game would work.  What would the rules be?  Take a shot every time Dora, Map or any other Dora the Explorer character repeats themselves?  Take a swig anytime you need to yell at your kids to stop fighting?  Take another drink anytime you clean a room only to find it messy again 30 seconds later?

Of course, drinking while parenting is probably not the best idea.  (Especially if you do shots during Dora the Explorer.)  So perhaps you could give yourself “parental drinking game credits” which could be redeemed once the kids are in bed.

My Aloha Friday question is: What rules would you add to the Parental Drinking Game?

Thanks to Kailani at An Island Life for starting this fun for Friday. Please be sure to head over to her blog to say hello and sign the linky there if you are participating.

Aloha #101

However, I have a confession to make.  I actually have a very bad temper.  A horrible one, in fact.  The problem is, my temper doesn’t usually flare against people unless they are very close to me.

Growing up, I was bullied mercilessly, but I rarely lost my temper.  Meanwhile, my sister could make me blow my top with a single word or action.  She was so good at it that she made it into an art form.  She would do something to me designed to make me lose my temper.  I would blow my top and get physical (e.g. push her down).  She would cry to my parents.  They would see her down and me standing over her and I would get punished.  At the time, I thought it was horribly unfair.  It still is, but I understand it more now that I’m a parent.  When you have 2 kids with conflicting stories as to what happened, the best you can do is rely on what you have seen occur.

Later, my sister got married and moved out.  My father became the person who pushed my buttons.  In this case, he didn’t mean to do so.  It was just that I was living back at home after the freedom of college and was having trouble following the “it’s my house, you’ll do it this way” rules.  So we’d fight (verbally, rarely physically), not talk to each other for a week and then (spurred on by my mother who hates conflict) would make up just in time for the next fight to begin.

Once I moved away from my parents, we got along much better.  He’ll still get on my nerves from time to time, but not to the “I’m not talking to you for a week” level.  Now, the people close to me are my wife and my kids.

I’ve written before about how I get quiet during arguments with B.  This is primarily because of my temper.  If I talk while I’m upset and my temper flares, I’m likely to make sweeping generalizing statements that are highly hurtful and not true at all.  This will not only hurt my case (nothing shatters your argument more than a poorly thought out personal attack), but will hurt B’s feelings.  While it might feel better in the short term to rant and rave rather than hold back, it’s better in the long term to calm down before discussing sensitive topics.

That leaves the kids.  Ideally, I’d like to say that I keep an even temper at all times and never yell.  This isn’t an ideal world, though.  I try to keep an even temper and not yell, but lately it seems like the boys have conspired to push my temper to the brink.

First, NHL will refuse to do what we tell him to do and insist that things have to be done the way he wants them done, WHEN he wants them done.  Then, JSL, having just seen his brother get in trouble, will repeat his brother’s actions perfectly.  NHL will yell and scream while JSL will make mocking faces.  My blood starts to boil as I raise my voice telling them to behave.  Finally, I’m yelling outright at them and sending them to their room.

When they’re in their room and I’m calming down, I’ll get hit by a streak of guilt.  They’re testing boundaries and need to be given firm reminders of what is and isn’t appropriate, but I feel awful when I yell at them.  I *want* to be the fun loving parent who plays with them all the time and has a blast.  I don’t want to be the rule-setting parent who comes down hard on them if they decide to scream and try to run away from us in the middle of a store.  However, I have to be both.  It’s a tricky line to walk sometimes.

I definitely have room for improvement in not letting my temper get the best of me.  I’ve had success in the past with the “repeating things three times” method.  (Tell them once.  Say “Second time… [repeated message].”  Then say “THIRD TIME! [repeated message]. Do NOT make me repeat myself AGAIN!”)  I need to force myself to rely on methods like that more than yelling.

Do you ever find yourself losing your temper with your children?  What do you do when this happens?

I feel happy at getting to spend a week with my wife without little guys interrupting.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love my boys.  It’s just that sometimes I want to spend time with my wife.  We get very few date nights and even fewer complete nights without kids.  Our only “vacation” without the kids was when we went to BlogHer last year.  That trip, while fun, was hardly a romantic getaway.  We’ve been married for 10 years and we deserve this time to ourselves.

While I’m feeling happy, though, I’m also feeling guilty.  After all, the kids love Disney.  Since we told them what we’re doing, they’ve alternated between begging to go and accepting it sadly.  If we announced tomorrow that it was all a cruel joke and they were coming with us, they’d be the happiest kids in the world.

Along with the guilt is fear.  Not just my fear of flying, but fear of the unknown.  We’ll be leaving the kids with my parents during the week.  My parents have never watched the kids for any length of time.  I’m sure they’ll do a good job, but my mind keeps conjuring up scenarios.  What if NHL has a panic attack?  What if JSL won’t eat anything?  What if the boys don’t behave?  Every less-than-perfect scenario is playing through my mind and it scares me.

Still, I know that we need this trip.  We need time away from the kids.  If we don’t get time off to work on us from time to time, the constant stress could negatively impact our marriage.  And a negatively impacted marriage is *NOT* going to raise our kids well.

My Aloha Friday question for today is: Have you gone on trips without your kids?  If so, have you ever felt this mixture of emotions?

Thanks to Kailani at An Island Life for starting this fun for Friday. Please be sure to head over to her blog to say hello and sign the linky there if you are participating.

Aloha #97