My New Year Anti-Resolutions

The New Year is upon us.  As we say good-bye to the old year and hello to the new, many people inevitably make resolutions.  I made a few last year and, upon reviewing them, realized that I didn’t fulfill a single one.  So this year, I’m not going to make any New Year’s resolutions.  Instead, I decided to make some anti-resolutions.  Since a resolution is something you plan on keeping, I’d define an anti-resolution as something you plan to break.

Anti-Resolution #1: Gaining Weight

A few years back, I lost 75 pounds by following a Weight Watchers-style diet.  Since then, I’ve gained 20 of those pounds back.  I’d like to lose some of that weight.  If I were making resolutions, this is where I’d resolve to lose 20 pounds.  Instead: I Anti-Resolve to eat like a pig, sit on my rear end, and gain as much weight as possible!  I shall eat cupcakes by the carton, pound cake by the pallet and Twinkies by the truckload.  We’ll need to reinforce our flooring to accommodate my increased mass.  Small objects will start orbiting around me due to my increased gravitational field.

Anti-Resolution #2: My Temper

I’ll admit it.  I have a temper.  Most times, I keep it in check quite well.  If B and I are arguing about a point and I’m upset, I tend to get really quiet knowing that talking would only lead to my losing my temper and saying something that I’d regret later.  NHL, however, seems to have lately found the key to unlock Daddy’s temper.  I get angry and yell when I should calmly handle the situation.  This leads to increased tension and teaches NHL that, when confronted by something you don’t like, yell loudly.  Someone else in this situation might resolve to work on calming their temper down more.  Instead:  I Anti-Resolve to yell at the top of my lungs over any tiny slight.  The very foundations of our house shall shake if I don’t get my way every single time!  Seismologists will record the activity as an earthquake and people three miles away shall experience temporary hearing loss.

Anti-Resolution #3: Wasting Time

I have a bad habit of spending time idly browsing the Internet.  I’ll read Slashdot posts and comments that I’m not *really* interested in.  I’ll bounce from Wikipedia article to Wikipedia article on the hopes that something interesting will be there.  Basically, I’ll wind up entertained during that time, but afterwards will feel like it was wasted.  A normal person would simply resolve to cut their online reading down.  I, instead, Anti-Resolve to find new websites to waste time on.  I’ll read the entire contents of Wikipedia.  Twice.  I’ll read every single tweet posted on Twitter.  I’ll join new social networking sites and forums just to find new content to browse.  I’ll read more online comics (as well as their archives).  I’ll join in conversations just to make sure people know where I stand even when I have nothing of value to contribute.  Sure, I may need to quit my job and stop sleeping, but Duty Calls.

Anti-Resolution #3: Family Time

Sometimes it seems like I have no time for my family.  I get up, get ready for work, then head out.  After work, I come home, get changed, make dinner, serve dinner, eat dinner, and then it’s bedtime for the kids.  After the kids are in bed, B and I will pass the time on our respective laptops.  It would be nice to make more time to spend with my family.  And this is what a normal person would resolve to do.  However, I’m making Anti-Resolutions.  Therefore, I Anti-Resolve to isolate myself more from my family.  I’ll convert our basement into an underground lair complete with secret entrance/exit.  My family will never know if I’m home or not.  I shall wake up before anyone else, slip out undetected, then slip back into my secret lair without anyone noticing.  I might walk back into the main house from time to time, but only after everyone else has fallen asleep.

And those are my 2009 Anti-Resolutions.  Wish me luck in breaking each and every one of them.