Sleep and Fear

I really need to call the doctor.  And, unfortunately, I don’t mean a time travelling Gallifreyan with a blue box and a sonic screwdriver.  (Though meeting one of those would be nice.)

For the past few months, I’ve been tired. It seems that no matter how long I sleep, I still feel like I haven’t slept at all. I’ll spend an entire night having dreams that tire me out, and wake up feeling like I haven’t slept at all.  What’s more, B has mentioned that I’ve been making noises in my sleep like I’m gasping for air.  She also mentioned that I’ve been kicking a lot.  We’re fearing sleep apnea.

So, like I said, I should see a doctor.  And yet, I delay.  Part of it is that money is tight so I prioritize everything and everyone else above me.  I rationalize that this can’t be that serious so why spend money on it?  That money can go towards repairs we need to make on the house or on items we need to buy for the kids.

Of course, if I’m being honest, there’s another part of me that’s not addressing this because I’m scared.

I’ve always had trouble breathing through my nose.  Years ago, I had an operation to get my turbinates cut back.  I was supposed to have a deviated septum operation at the same time to help my breathing, but the insurance company denied it.  (They claimed that part was for cosmetic reasons only.)  Still, I went through with some of the surgery.  Going into surgery was fine.  Waking up with my nose plugged up and a tube in my throat wasn’t.

Years later, after a horrid bout of nosebleeds, I had my nose cauterizedTwice.  The nights I spent awake because my nose was swelled shut and the dripping felt like it was going to close my throat off as well was horrid.

Obviously, neither experience is one I’d like to repeat, but I’m afraid that the doctor will tell me that surgery is needed.  I’m afraid that it will cost money we don’t have.  I’m afraid that I’ll end up spending long nights exhausted but awake thanks to the after effects of the procedures.

I’ll call the doctor eventually.  I know I’ve got to stop rationalizing and avoiding.  When my kids are afraid of something, I challenge them to face it head on because things are rarely as scary as our minds make them out to be.  However, when confronted with a frightening prospect, I avoid the situation just like they do.  So I’ve got to summon my courage and make the call.  Not for me, but to show my kids that they need to see a doctor when something’s wrong and that they need to face their fears.

NOTE: The "Emoticons: Sleeping face" image is by nicubunu and is available from

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