Last year was a rough year for NHL.  We struggled through most of the year trying to find some way for him to fit into the class’ structure.  Nothing we came up with worked.  (Or rather, should I say, nothing we suggested was fully implemented to give it a chance to work.)  A bullying incident was the final straw and NHL was moved to another school.

Luckily, the bullying was a blessing in disguise as this new school and NHL took to each other instantly.  The administrators and teachers knew just how to handle NHL to keep him interested and engaged and NHL loved school again.  He even cried when school ended because he didn’t want to stop learning.

As the school year starts up again, NHL didn’t cry about going back to school.  He was nervous, to be sure, but they were normal going-back-to-school nerves and not a desire to stay away from the school itself.  He’s actually excited to go into the third grade.  (Side Note: How did I become the parent of a third grader?  Wasn’t he just a baby?  I think I need to go over my old physics equations to find out why if Relativity can prove that time speeds up a child’s aging process.  Side Side Note: Must find a way to keep JSL four.)

Thinking back, I recall my transition from the second grade to the third grade.  I had an awful second grade.  My teacher, Mrs. D, hated kids, especially didn’t like boys and despised me.  She would make fun of me in front of the class, give me “special work” to do every night (the same assignment which she wouldn’t grade – my mother made me hand in the same paper every day and she never caught on), told me I’d never succeed in life, and generally made my life miserable.  I remembered going to the in-classroom bathroom just to escape her for a few minutes.  I also remember actually being happy that I got the chicken pox because it meant I didn’t need to see Mrs. D for awhile.  Yes, itchy scabs all over my body were preferable to Mrs. D.

Obviously, I wasn’t sure about the third grade.  If Mrs. D was any indication of which way school was headed, I was going to be miserable for a long time.  Then, I met Mrs. S.  Where Mrs. D was mean and hated kids/me, Mrs. S was nice and loved kids.  This year we happened to have reading tests to place us into reading groups.  Mrs. S noticed that I got a good score on the “normal reading group” test.  She wanted me to take the advanced reading group’s test.  At her urging, I did and wound up doing well on that one.  So I was moved into the advanced reading group.

Advanced reading groups led to advanced level courses and then to AP/College Level courses.   Many of my successes in life and desire to learn new things, I trace back to Mrs. S.  Had she been a Mrs. D-clone, I would likely have hated school and dropped out at the first opportunity.  My life would have certainly gone down a much worse path.  This one teacher saw potential in me and did her best to bring it out.  She succeeded and, wherever she is, I thank her.  I hope that NHL’s third grade teacher can bring the best out of NHL the way Mrs. S was able to with me.

I’ve been itching to write about this for awhile, but wanted to wait while we assessed our options.  (Besides, B already wrote about this last week, so I figured it was high time I address it.)  On Thursday, April 28th, NHL was punched in the stomach by another student in his 2nd grade class.  NHL was sent to the nurse with bruises on his stomach/ribs.

One interesting wrinkle to this story was NHL’s reaction.  While in the nurse’s office, he was crying, sad that he had upset the child and had hurt his feelings.  NHL blamed himself for the bullying incident even though he had done nothing that warranted a punch in the ribs.  He even, over that weekend, listed the child as his friend.  Yes, the kid that punched him in the ribs was still a friend to NHL.

As you may recall, I was bullied a lot when I was growing up.  One incident in particular happened in middle school  At the risk of retelling a story I’ve blogged about before, I only had one person that I considered my friend at the time.  That was RH.

The only problem with RH being my friend was that he would stab me in the back.  Literally.  With a pen.  He would bully me for awhile and then would play the victim, claiming that he had heard from a third person that I had said something bad about him.  Then we would be friends again until he decided to bully me again.

Why did I keep taking him back as a friend when he kept bullying me?  Simple.  I felt like I had no other friends.  If I admitted to myself that RH wasn’t my friend, I was left friendless.  At the time, a horrible friend seemed better than no friend at all.  It scared me to see this scenario playing out again in NHL’s school.

Then, in a display of good timing, I saw a tweet from @sociallysmart (aka Corinne Gregory) about the covering up of bullying incidents.  To summarize the article (which is a must read for all parents), school administrators across the country are turning a blind eye to bullying because it makes them look bad if they admit there is a problem.  Of course, this is a case of short term gain-long term loss.  What the school administrators gain in the short term (saving face and avoiding bad PR), the kids lose in the long term (higher incidence of bullying with little to no consequences).

The only solution is for parents to know their (and their children’s) rights and stand up for them.  It might be tough to do at times, but it is essential for our children’s well being.

My Aloha Friday question for today is: Have you or your child ever been bullied by someone you/they considered a friend?  How did you/they react?

Also, don’t forget to enter my Aerobie Sprint Flying Ring giveaway.  It’s ending in four days and has a very low amount of entries (as I write this).

Thanks to Kailani at An Island Life for starting this fun for Friday. Please be sure to head over to her blog to say hello and sign the McLinky there if you are participating.

Aloha #87

This past weekend, B’s family members were in town to celebrate her grandmother’s 85th birthday. My boys love seeing Mimi and all of B’s family. Especially Cousin’s S and B. NHL seems particularly enamored with Baby B, wanting to see him, hold him and talk to him all the time.

JSL and Cousin S seemed joined at the hip so many times. They would hold hands while walking, even throwing temper tantrums if they couldn’t.

On Saturday, we headed to Aunt S and Uncle M’s house on by the lake. We tried to go for a boat ride but had to hightail it back to shore when it started to rain.

Of course, once we got everyone off the boat and the cover on, the clouds parted and the sun came out! We stayed indoors for a bit but then decided that it was time for Plan B. We got the kids in their swimsuits so we could head for the beach. Wouldn’t you know it, it began to rain again! Not to be daunted, we decided that the kids and I (the only adult in his swimsuit) should play in the rain. JSL was hesitant at first, but then got the idea that I was actually permitting him to get wet and step in puddles!

This didn’t last long, though, as the rain soon ended. You can see JSL wondering where the wonderful rain went.

We then headed to the beach for some sand fun time.

Then, we decided to head to the pool. This didn’t go over well with JSL who wanted to play in the sand more. He threw a temper tantrum and refused to go into the pool. Opting, instead, to sit on the side with B. NHL did a good job of walking through the shallow end while I carried Cousin S through the pool.

Might I add that B has turned into quite the photo-bug. She even took a few “artsy” shots like this one of our pool/beach items on the pool chairs.

After drying off and changing back into clothes, it was time for wind down time, dinner and fun with family.

The next day, we stopped by a new supermarket with B’s brother and his family. Then, we headed back to the lake. This time, our boat trip wasn’t interrupted by rain. You can see B’s post for photos, but I’ll just add two that she neglected to post of her showing how much she appreciated my constant photo-taking.

I love you too, B!

The rest of the day was spent with family, playing games and enjoying the company of family.

Monday morning, I let B sleep in (or at least lay in bed for a few hours) when JSL woke up early. Then, NHL joined us and we tried our best to be quiet. (Which, with two young boys, is never quiet enough.) Eventually, we got up and headed out to meet one of JSL’s classmates who is new to the area. The boys had a blast playing in the playground, seeing some older kids playing baseball (and retrieving stray balls for them) and just enjoying the great weather. Before we knew it, we have been there 4 hours. After playing, JSL accompanied me for a grocery store run and then we went out for one last dinner out.

This morning, the hard reality hit. Summer vacation is over and school time has arrived.

NHL had his first day of second grade and JSL was going for his first ever day of school – even if it was only 45 minutes of nursury school with mommy by his side. (His first mommy-less day will be tomorrow.) How did my boys get to be so big, so quickly?

Towards the end of high school, after the teasing had stopped due to my friend’s intervention, I attended a social event. I forget the reason for the event except that it might have been due to me being introducted into some kind of honor society. During the event, I noticed two things. First of all, I didn’t talk with anyone other than my parents even though I really wanted to. Secondly, I kept backing myself up to the wall. Simply being around that many people talking with each other made me so uncomfortable that I felt like I needed to push myself into the wall to escape. Even though I recognized that I was doing this, I couldn’t stop myself.

It was quite clear what was happening. My years of being bullied might have been over, but they had taken their toll. I had a big fear of socializing. I would get extremely self-conscious whenever I was in public. I guess part of the problem was that I felt like I had to be constantly on the defensive. As if the slightest show of emotion, the slightest display of vulnerability, the slightest opening up would be greeted with mocking, jeering and name calling. Even if I knew intellectually that the person I was talking to wasn’t going to do all that to me, some part of my brain regarded every other human as a threat to be avoided.

As I entered college, I made a conscious decision to change this. I joined a club whose sole purpose was to throw parties. I put myself into social situations. I spoke with new people. I even attempted dating. (I didn’t have any luck, but at least I tried.) All to try to get myself to feeling like I was “normal” in social situations.

Still, recovering from bullying gave me a sense of freedom in a weird way. I found I didn’t really care what people thought of me. While it did have bad points (such as keeping a beard for way too long when everyone told me it made me look old), it had its good moments as well. For example, one day G and I were eating in the cafeteria. Two girls approached us and whispered that they were sorry but they were pledging a sorority and had to serenade us as part of the initiation. Now, I could have been embarrassed and self-conscious. I could have thought that we were being picked on for one reason or another. In fact, G seemed quite embarrassed by the whole situation. I, strangely, found myself enjoying it. I figured that it wouldn’t be every day that I’d be serenaded by a pair of good looking girls (no matter what the motive) and I might as well enjoy it.

A few years ago, my high school reunion invitation arrived. I thought about going. My life was going well. I had a beautiful wife, two wonderful children and a job I loved. I was hoping to see my former tormenters miserable in their lives. When I saw how much my reunion was going to cost, I began to rethink attending. At first, it pained me that I wasn’t going to get the chance to rub my good life into their faces. Then I realized that I didn’t need to prove anything to my former tormenters. My life was good. I I had people who loved and depended on me. Whether or not those bullies saw my good life was completely irrelevant. For too long, the fear of them hung in the shadowy corners of my mind. Once I realized that I didn’t care about them anymore, the phantoms disappeared. I was happy with my life, with my family and most of all with myself. That was good enough for me.

In the end, I think that this will be a lesson that I pass on to NHL (and eventually JSL). It doesn’t matter what people say about you. If people try to put you down or make you feel like you aren’t good enough, tune them out. You needn’t do anything to prove them wrong. In the end, what really matters is what you think of yourself.

As I said last week, during my first semester of college, I was taking Creative Writing and decided to write about my High School experiences.  The following is the essay in it’s entirety.  This was painful for me to read even though it has been nearly 2 decades since I left High School.  The events in this essay are entirely true (except for some name changes… my name’s not Alan) and really happened to me.  (Including the recurring dream.)  I may have mashed events together a bit for the sake of the story, but I think it gives a really good look into my mind at the time. Read more of this article »

If I thought Junior High School was bad, I was really unprepared for the level of bullying that came when I went to High School.  It started pretty "tame" (that being a relative term).  One guy would make insinuating comments to me in the locker room before and after gym.  As an overweight teenager, I was frankly more than a little embarrassed about the changes my body was going through.  I had just "discovered" girls in the first few days of High School whereas many of my fellow students made that discovery in Junior High.  With many people dating, walking around holding hands, etc, I was very unsure and frightened when it came to my sexuality.  So this person’s remarks questioning my sexuality struck particularly hard.

Over time, though, it got worse.  There was a group of kids that teased me.  (This initial guy was part of this group.)  They didn’t sit behind me in class spitting spitballs, though.  They followed me from class to class taunting me.  If I altered my route, sped up or otherwise tried to lose them, they kept up with me and taunted me more for trying to lose them.  If I passed one of them in the hall, nothing was said and I was ignored, but should that one be joined by a friend or two of his, they suddenly got very courageous.  I tried to ignore them as much as possible because I quickly learned that anything I said would just lead to more teasing.  (I certainly didn’t fight back physically as I was afraid of getting in trouble.) Read more of this article »

When I got into Junior High School, I didn’t have many friends. So I was happy when I befriended RH. He seemed pretty nice at first, but soon he began to do things to torment me. He would sit behind me in class and throw spit balls at me or poke me in the back with the sharp end of his pencil. Eventually, I would confront him and he would say that someone told him I said something about him. I would deny it (as it wasn’t true) and he would be my friend again. This process repeated over and over and, I’m ashamed to say, I didn’t catch on that the “someone told him something” was a complete lie. I was too naive and desparate to have a friend.

One time, RH ignited a rivalry I had had in elementary school. MH lived up the block from me. Calling him a “bad seed” would be an understatement. He ODed on drugs at a young age as did every member of his family. He would push me down at the bus stops and try to beat me up any opportunity he got. I wouldn’t fight back, but would just take it.

One time, he tried beating me up in the halls of our elementary school and I had had enough. I tossed my books down and started to fight him. I don’t remember if I held my own or if we were stopped before we even started. I do know we were eventually stopped. I don’t think he was able to beat me up when I fought back. After this confrontation, if memory serves, he stopped picking on me. Until RH got involved, that is.

RH, MH and I were in gym class together and the sport we were playing was wrestling. Not the WWE-type but the old fashioned Greco-Roman variety. Two people go into a circle. One person goes on all fours. The second person holds his arm from over his back. Then you begin and each person tries to get the other one pinned. Strength is only one factor that contributes towards victory. Stragedy is also a factor.

RH egged MH on and somehow got MH and I in the wrestling circle together. As usual, I played by the rules, but MH didn’t feel like the rules applied to him. He drove me outside of the circle. Normally, at this point, the rules would dictate stopping attacks until the person got back in the ring. Instead, MH launched himself at me, hit me hard and wound up splitting my lip open. Still, for some reason, I was still naive and believed RH when he later told me that MH had told him I had said something negative about him (RH).

Eventually, I did wise up and cut all ties with RH, except for one. I happened to befriend another friend of his, G. My friendship with G lasted through High School, college and still goes on to this day. He’s the guy who’s wedding I attended in 2008. He’ll also wind up being very important in the next story (next week).

Recently, a young girl comitted suicide due to being bullied. I’ve struggled long and hard about the best way to approach this topic. It isn’t easy for me to talk about as I was bullied myself for years and still have some emotional scars. I had hopes that NHL would escape what I went through, but the other week, as I dropped him off at school, he told me that some kids were calling him names. B asked and it turned out that they were all calling each other names. It doesn’t excuse it, but at least he’s not being singled out for “special treatment” yet.

If he is singled out and bullied, however, I’m going to need to figure out a course of action. And that’s going to mean drawing upon my experiences as a young bullied kid. This, in turn, is going to mean confronting this history head-on. So think of this week’s blog posts as therapy.

My own bullied history (as far as I can remember) begins in the second grade. The bully hear wasn’t a peer of mine, but the teacher. Yes, you read that right: the teacher. Don’t ask me why she became a teacher because Mrs. D hated kids. She particularly hated little boys and, for some reason, she despised me. She would make fun of me in front of the rest of the class. She would tell me that I’d never succeed in life because I couldn’t color or cut within the lines. She would send home busy work just for me such as writing out my ABC’s. This busy work would get turned in to her only for her to hand it back to me (unmarked) with the exact same assignment for that night. My mother eventually had me hand in the same paper over and over and she never was able to tell.

There was a bathroom in the room and I would go there as frequently as I could just to get away from her. When I got the chicken pox, I was happy to be out of her classroom for awhile. I actually dropped out of school, refusing to go back, because she was so mean to me. My parents let me stay out for a short while but then sent me back. Of course, my parents tried getting me out of her class. The principal wouldn’t allow it, though. He insisted that she was their best teacher and refused to consider any possibility of her being a Teacher-Bully.

I suffered through second grade and could have easily become the kind of kid who hated school and barely got D’s. Instead, in third grade, I ran into Mrs. S. Mrs. S gave me a standardized reading test along with the rest of her class. She remarked how well I did and how she wanted me to try the advanced reading test. When I aced that one too, she put me in the advanced reading group. This led to other advanced classes which led to AP and college level courses down the road. I credit Mrs. S. for pulling me out of the train wreck of the second grade and putting me on the fast track to a great education.

Years later, I returned to my elementary school. I wanted to visit with my old teachers, but mostly I wanted to confront Mrs D with the fact that I was succeeding despite her prediction. Unfortunately, she had retired the previous year and moved away. She had robbed me of the chance to show her she was wrong, but I decided that proving that she was wrong about me by succeeding in school was good enough for me.

Coming up next week, things go from bad to worse…

As the holiday season draws near, certain challenges arise. As I ranted talked about before in Tis The Season For Bah Humbug, we don’t celebrate Christmas. Instead, we celebrate Chanukah. This means that we don’t need to put up a Christmas tree, stuff any stockings or tell our kids that Santa is going to come and visit. However, that last item does pose a tricky dilemma. Obviously, we don’t have any personal need for our children to think that Santa Claus is real. However, if we tell them that he isn’t (especially 6 year old NHL), then that story will be repeated to other kids. Kids whose parents have said that Santa would be stopping by soon.

We don’t wish any ill will towards other families’ beliefs and practices so this one has, for now, been relatively easy to circumvent. We haven’t told them about Santa’s reality one way or another. The boys understand that Santa relates to Christmas and we don’t celebrate Christmas. However, I wonder what will happen as they get older. Will they begin to ask for a better reason why Santa won’t visit us or whether we’re on the naughty list for not celebrating Christmas? Perhaps NHL will want to know how Santa gets to every house in the world in one night. Perhaps he will have other, not so easy to answer questions. (If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that kids have a tendancy to find and ask questions that are difficult to answer.)

The more I think about the questions they might ask, the more I wonder where the line is. At what point does our wishes not to burst any bubbles clash with our wishes to raise our children to believe certain things. To expand this past Santa Claus, what happens if NHL tells a classmate in Hebrew school that men evolved from primate ancestors when that child has been taught that mankind was created by God somewhere around 10,000 years ago. That could understandably cause a sticky situation. To go past my own children, what if an athiest couple’s child tells mine that God doesn’t exist?

My Aloha Friday question is: How do you reconcile teaching your child what you would want them to believe while not offending others’ beliefs?

Thanks to Kailani at An Island Life for starting this fun for Friday. Please be sure to head over to her blog to say hello and sign the MckLinky there if you are participating.

Aloha #16