TechyDad

There are moments during parenting when you stop and think “Nothing anyone ever told me could prepare me for this moment.” We had one of those moments tonight. After NHL’s 7th birthday party (more on that in another post), NHL was laying on the floor watching TV. JSL decided to lay on top of his brother to give him a hug. Then, he moved so he was using his brother as a bench. Finally, he decided to change his seat… right to NHL’s face! Yes, JSL was trying to sit his rear end on his brother’s face.

I told JSL not to sit on there as B, looking up as the sight, asked “Did he fart on his brother’s face?”

Apparently, NHL took this question as a suggestion because he said, “JSL, fart on my face!”

B and I couldn’t stop laughing. I ask you, how could you possibly be prepared for an unexpected requested head fart?

Long ago, I learned the fine art of presenting a solid exterior to the world.  I was bullied relentlessly and any emotions I showed regarding this only brought more bullying upon me.  So I clammed up.  I hid my pain and anger from the world (except for my closest friend) and pretended as if I were a brick wall.  No matter how much I felt like my entire world was crashing down around me, I made it look like I was the most solid person in the room.  Or, at least, I tried my best to make it seem that way.

In college, all I wanted was to be "normal."  Everyone around me was dating so I wanted to date.  I had no idea how to go about this so I clumsily made my way through those four years with a solid exterior/crumbling within.  Every person holding hands, every quick kiss in the hallway, every conversation about significant others chipped away at me inside.  I had a few breakdowns, a few times when I let my crumbling exterior show, but I would erect a new "solid exterior" the first chance I got.

Fast forward to the present day.  As I posted on DadRevolution.com, NHL has been diagnosed with some behavioral issues.  We strongly believe that I share these issues.  In other words, he inherited them from me.  Add this to the growing list of "Ways I’ve Screwed Up My Son’s Life Through Genetics."  Intellectually, I know this isn’t my fault.  It’s not like I said "Hey, here’s this bad gene, let’s send that on to the baby.  Here’s a good gene, we’ll hold that back."  Still, I find myself blaming myself for all of this.

Going back to the bullying.  I always figured that it was a quirk of circumstance.  Kids bullied me and so I became an introvert and so kids bullied me more.  But what if it was the other way around?  What if I was introverted because of these behavioral issues and *THEN* kids picked up on it and bullied me?  It might seem like a small technicality, but it is huge to me.

If it was the first one, a quirk of circumstances, then NHL stands a fighting chance of not being bullied like I was.  Of not going through the living hell that I went through day after day after day.  If, instead, it is all traceable to behavioral issues, which NHL has inherited from me, I may have genetically doomed him to the same torture I encountered.  I still feel pain thinking about high school, even though I graduated 17 years ago.  How can I not feel some pain at dooming him to this same fate?

And yet, even now, I put up that solid exterior.  I’m a brick wall, able to take anything thrown at me, at least that’s how I like the world to see me… until I come crumbling down.

I was recently alerted to an article that Momlogic had posted titled “10 Reasons Why Father Doesn’t Know Best.” Going in, I knew it was going to contain stereotypes that paint all men as ignorant slobs who don’t do any real parenting. I was quite surprised at the list, though, especially because it was posted to coincide with Father’s Day last year. I felt the need to make a rebuttal. Not a point-by-point, mind you as some don’t apply to me (don’t have a daughter) but more to the general point of the article that dads are idiots who probably shouldn’t be allowed within 5 miles of any kid.

Dresses the kids in flip-flops and shorts on a 45-degree day. (When the thermometer hits 100, he sends them out in fleece.)

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a fashion expert. I’ve been known to wear (or let my kids wear) clothing that clashes horribly. There’s a reason my dress clothes are divided into “Matches with Black” and “Matches with Brown.” Still, I understand basic temperature issues. I wouldn’t knowingly send my kids out in clothing inappropriate for the outside temperatures. That said, B dresses the kids most days because I know my limits. I stink at matching clothes so she dresses them. Of course, I pick up the slack elsewhere (as you’ll see later on). Parenting is about being a team. Each person on the team will have strengths and weaknesses and you need to cover each other on the weaknesses so the team stays strong.

Thinks “quality time” with his kid means watching “Jackass: The Movie” with his six-year-old son.

I’ll admit that I love spending quality time with my sons watching TV. I’ve gotten NHL hooked on Ben 10 and he loves when the DVDs arrive from Netflix because it means that we’ll sit on the couch together and see more of Ben’s adventures. I do other things with him (like making a board game, more on that in another post), but this is something I can do with him during the often hectic workdays when I only get free time long after he’s in bed. Of course, I know the limits of watching TV with my boys. Most times, it’s a kids show and I love watching that. When they venture into my shows, I’d make sure it’s a good show and I try to work in morals. For example, if we’re watching Batman, I point out how Batman is trying to solve problems with his brains and not just with his fists. I definitely wouldn’t let them watch something like “Jackass: The Movie.” (Putting aside, for now, the fact that I’d never watch “Jackass: The Movie” even if the little ones weren’t there.)

When left alone with the kids to make dinner, serves cinnamon rolls on paper towels as the main course.

Dinner at my house is nearly always prepared by me. This isn’t to say that B can’t cook, but I actually enjoy it. Remember that whole strengths and weaknesses thing before? Well, cooking’s my strength so that is one area where I pick up slack from my weaknesses areas. The only way I’d be serving cinnamon rolls on paper towels would be if I just cooked them myself and even then not for dinner. (Dessert, maybe.) You can look through some of my Cooking With TechyDad posts to see some of the dinners I’ve made. Yes, MomLogic, some dads cook!

Nearly gets in a head-on collision with another shopping cart when playing “race car with your toddler in the driver’s seat.”

I’ve been known to get carried away while playing with my kids. Sue me for enjoying playing with them. Of course, I know the limits and wouldn’t put them in dangerous situations, but still she seems to be decrying all dads for what was likely a momentary lapse in judgement. (I guess perfect moms like MomLogic never have lapses in judgement while all us dads are idiots.)

Insists on wearing his “World’s Best Dad” T-shirt, even when it’s filthy.

Was the “World’s Best Dad” shirt given to him by his kids? Perhaps there’s a sentimental reason behind his desire to wear it that is overriding the dirty nature of the shirt. Yes, dads have emotions beyond “want to watch sports”, “want more beer” and “want sex.”

Instead of giving the kids a bath, he hoses them down in the backyard.

As with cooking, giving baths is “my job.” They behave for me during their tubs. Yes, MomLogic, I use the tub. I also use soap, shampoo and washclothes. I get behind the ears and dry them when they’re done. The only time I’d consider a hose down in the backyard would be if they were somehow so filthy that they would track too much dirt in the house. Even then, the backyard-hose-down would be a temporary measure. Its sole purpose would be to get the kids clean enough to enter the house where they would proceed directly to the tub. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Actually believes “father knows best.”

I don’t believe that “father knows best” all the time but neither do I believe that mother knows best always. More like mothers and fathers are a team and should work together to raise the kids. If you are actively undermining the father (or vice versa – if a father actively undermines the mother), then there’s something seriously wrong. First of all, it puts more strain on mom. Mom won’t trust dad to do anything and will try to do everything herself. She’ll constantly see the relationship as her and her kids plus that useless guy who just gets in her way. That’s not a recipe for a successful partnership.

It’s going to filter down to the kids as well. Kids pick up on these kinds of things and they’ll start wondering why they should listen to dad when he says not to do something. After all, he’s just an idiot, right? Mom says so all the time. So why listen to him at all.

In the end, if MomLogic’s husband epitomizes her top 10 list, perhaps he’s an idiot. There are idiot men and idiot women. They’re idiots because they’re idiots, not because of a certain chromosome. By all means, rail against him. I’ll back her up and tell him to man up and be a real partner in their team. But to condemn all dads as idiots who don’t know the first thing about parenting is to condemn 50% of the parents out there based on one guy’s actions.

I urge MomLogic to rethink her article. Imagine the hoopla that would ensue if I penned a similar post titled “10 Reasons Why Mother Doesn’t Know Best” which painted all mothers as idiots who don’t know how to be parents. I’d (rightfully) be strung up over it. Why is it acceptable because it’s about dads and not moms?

UPDATE: Thanks to Rob for pointing out that they’ve reposted this again. This isn’t just something they did last year. Apparently, they thought it was so hilarious, they would share it again. Here’s this year’s version (same as last year’s but with a brand, spankin’ new URL).

Before I begin, I must warn you that I’m testing out the new Euphamism-inator Turbo 3000.  This post will contain references to some pretty dirty activities but, these references will be masked with something a little more palatable.  I think I’ll set it to "Star Trek."  While it warms up, let me set the scene.

On Sunday, I decided to spend time with the boys and give B some time off.  First, I needed some supplies for an upcoming Cooking With TechyDad series.  While B went with her parents to shop for dresses (for BlogHer and an upcoming wedding), I took my shopping buddies to Price Chopper. We had a great time getting everything on our list (and a few things not on the list).

At one point, we smelled a heavenly smell and followed our noses to the Price Chopper bakery.  There we saw some wonderful looking breads.  As we examined which ones we might like, one of the bakers came over and handed the boys a slice of bread each.  As they devoured their slices, we picked out a loaf of Tuscan bread, finished our shopping and headed home to put the refrigerated and frozen foods away.

After putting the food away, I noticed that… wait a second, it looks like the Euphamism-inator Turbo 3000 is warmed up.  Perfect timing.  I’ll switch it on now. Read more…

As a father, I have many responsibilities. I go to work Monday through Friday to pay our bills. I take the kids on excursions to let B get some quiet time. I cook dinners. I even change pull-ups and wipe rear ends. My most enjoyable fatherly responsibility, however, is training them in the geeky arts.

NHL already likes Star Wars. Both he and JSL love Looney Tunes. JSL will even, when prompted with “Rabbit Season” say “Duck Season! Fire! PSSSH!” (The sound of him imitating Elmer Fudd’s gun.) They also both love computers. NHL will beg to be allowed to learn more about computers and JSL has come to expect being able to see his grandparents via Skype whenever he wants.

On the superhero front, NHL watches Batman The Brave and the Bold with me and wants to know everything about all the heroes and villians. He gets especially excited when the heroes begin beating up the villians. (Perhaps too excited, but that’s a topic for another blog post.) He’s also watched Super Hero Squad, Spectacular Spiderman and X-Men: Evolution with me to get him into Marvel’s heroes and villians.

Read more…

Grab the torches and pitchforks… It’s time for a revolution!  Ok, maybe not *that* kind of revolution.  (You in the back, please extinguish that torch.)  This is a virtual revolution.

For a long time, dads were regarded as parenting jokes.  Who’s the guy who’s clueless about everything kid related?  Who wouldn’t know what to do with a stinky baby and a fresh diaper?  Who would scratch his head over anything cooking related that didn’t involve a microwave, grill or ordering out?  Yup, that’s dad!  Who’s the guy who drives mom crazy by lounging on the couch in his underpants watching football and drinking beer while she takes care of everything around the house?  Dad!  Who couldn’t care less about the fact that the kids are climbing on the bookshelf so long as they don’t knock it over until the commercial break?  (All together now…) DAD! Read more…

With a year ending, it is only natural to look back on what happened during the previous year. However, since 2009 is the year ending, there is also an entire decade to look back on. As I look back, it is amazing how much my life has changed. I thought I’d share a few memories of each year of the past decade.

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While I go off to work, my wife gets to stay home with the boys. While this means that she gets to have fun with them more than I do, it also means that she gets to be there during the "challenging moments." She needs to deal with these moments alone over nine hours a day, five days a week. It is easy to see how one could get burned out. So I like taking the boys out every now and then for "Guy Time." Sunday was one of those days. (B did laundry then, but at least she didn’t need to take a break from the laundry to break up a fight or send NHL to his room.)

First up was the grocery store. We needed some food for the coming week and so I had made a list all ready. Unfortunately, I forgot that list at home. No problem, though. Text messaging to the rescue. B texted me the list and I checked my phone from time to time to get everything we needed.

After the grocery store, we quickly stopped back home just to drop off the groceries. Then it was back out. This time, the boys and I went to the playground so they could let off some steam. The minute we got out of the car, they took off towards the slides and didn’t stop until we left. I’m going to miss playgrounds when the snow falls.

Like I said, they first went down the slides.

Next. we went to some tunnels they had.

Once they were done crawling through the tunnels, JSL rode in a plane while NHL sat atop a dinosaur. Eventually, NHL joined JSL in the plane.

Then a quick trip to another set of slides.

And next, it was swing time.

At one point, I got on the swings myself and decided to shoot video… a rather nausea inducing video. Watch at your own risk.

After the swings, we went on the spinner and got a bit dizzy.

Then, after a failed trip to the "big slides" (failed because they were too wet to slide down), the boys climbed a tower. Ok, NHL climbed a tower. JSL flew up to the top (with a little dad-assist).

Finally, it was back to the original slides for some more sliding fun.

Reluctantly, they bid farewell to the playground and followed me back to our car to head home. How I love Boys Day Outs!

Last Thursday night, I had the pleasure to go see Dr. Phil Plait (aka BadAstronomer) talk.  He spoke of such interesting subjects as the end of the world, Hollywood and eggs standing on end.  Amazingly, he was able to relate those things together into a coherent (and downright funny) speech including some clips from Armageddon and Deep Impact.  While there, I met TechSkeptik.  We had a great time talking about many things before and after Phil’s speech.  (No, not during.  That’d be rude.  Besides, Phil’s speech was too interesting to allow for talking.)

As I went to the speech, excited though I was, I also felt guilty.  I usually go home, make dinner and help get the boys ready for (and into) bed.  Instead of helping out my family, though, I was going to hear a speech for my own enjoyment.  I felt selfish, even though I knew that nights out like this for me are extremely rare.  I really don’t have any friends here that I can have a guys’ night out with.  Back in June, I posted about feeling isolated at times.  That feeling still pops up from time to time.  Yet here I was out on the closest thing to a "guys’ night out" that I’ve had in a long, long time and I was feeling like I was abandoning my family by doing so.

My question for you is this: How often do you have a guys’ or girls’ night out?  When you do, do you feel guilty for leaving your family?

(NOTE: To balance out my night out, B had a girls’ night out of her own the very next week.)

Thanks to Kailani at An Island Life for starting this fun for Friday. Please be sure to head over to her blog to say hello and sign the MckLinky there if you are participating.

Aloha #14

NHL has been getting swim lessons, but unfortunately things haven’t been going to "swimmingly."  During the first swim lesson, during which B accompanied him, NHL didn’t get into the pool until the very end.  So this time we went prepared.  B’s parents took NHL and I went along with them.  Under my clothes, I had my bathing suit on so I’d be ready to jump into the pool.

Things started out well enough.  We got to the pool early and walked around for a bit.  Then we got NHL changed (easily done since his swimsuit was on under his pants).  After a short wait, it was pool time.  NHL went with his teacher while B and I followed the other parents into the "parents’ viewing room."  This room was right next to the pool room and had a nice big window so all of the parents could see what was going on.  Every single parent there could see exactly what was happening in the pool.  Remember that.

All of the kids sat down by the pool while the teacher got into the water.  They had these little stands in the pool so that the water wouldn’t be too deep for the children to stand in.  One by one the children got into the water.  Well, one by one minus one: NHL.  He didn’t get in.  We couldn’t hear what his teacher was saying to him, but I could see that she was using every trick in her book to convince him to get in the water.  When dealing with NHL, though, you can have an encyclopedia and it won’t be enough.  He refused and eventually, we could see that the lesson was continuing without him.

Now, we didn’t pay for "sit by the pool" lessons, so we knew it was time to act.  I went in (with B behind me) and tried my best to get him into the pool.  When that didn’t work, I took NHL over to B and she tried.  No go.  We decided it was time for me to jump into the situation, literally.

I got changed in a nearby locker room.  (Side note: Does it show how geeky I am that I felt like a superhero, pulling off my clothes to reveal my suit underneath? )  Then, I went back to the pool with NHL while B went back to the parents’ room.  You know, the one with the big glass window.  You haven’t forgotten that, have you?  Just checking.

At first, I just put my feet in the water and tried to get NHL to go in first.  When it became obvious that he wasn’t budging, I sighed and jumped into the water.  Then I grabbed NHL and pulled him in.  That’s when things got "fun."  He completely freaked out.  Instead of just standing on the platform, he grabbed my shirt (I wasn’t going topless in front of all of those parents).  His legs wrapped around my suit and pushed down.  He had a death grip on me and was screaming at the top of his lungs.

Now my suit stays on just fine usually, but it doesn’t tie tight at all.  The force of his legs pushing on my suit was enough that I could feel the suit slipping down.  If I didn’t take action, I’d be showing much too much TechyDad to the parents!!!  I let go of NHL (his deathgrip was more than enough to keep him on me and not in the water) and fixed my suit.  After that, I managed to push NHL onto the platform.  Crisis #1 averted!

After awhile, he was calm enough to watch the other kids and not grip onto me.  Still, I had to be behind him holding him or he’s start to freak out again.  And anytime water splashed near or in his eyes, he’d get upset.  He also wouldn’t participate in the floating or kicking practices.  So we were now paying for "stand in the pool" lessons.

Finally, it was "wind down" time and the teacher took him out of the pool.  Of course, I was still in the pool.  I decided that I should get out too so I looked for an exit.  One problem: NHL’s isn’t the only class.  In fact, there are so many classes going on that the pool becomes packed with kids and teachers.  It was all I could do to not interrupt another lesson, forget about actually getting out.  So there I stood in the pool feeling like a fool with all of the parents watching through the glass.

At last, his teacher got out of the pool too and I saw an opening.  I got out and took NHL to the locker room to get changed.  This is where I encountered the next embarrassing item.  (And this one is all my fault.)  I have a few pairs of underwear that B and I purchased for laughs.  Joe Boxer type boxers with funny sayings on them.  The only reason that I feel comfortable wearing them is that I know that B is the only one who will see me in them.

Unfortunately, that day I wasn’t wearing "plain white" boxers, but was wearing a pair that said "horny devil" (complete with cartoon devils all over them).  When I got changed at home to get ready for the pool, guess which boxers got put into my clothes bag?  You got it.  So there I am in the small lockerroom in front of lots of other parents.  I’m the only parent changing back into his clothes… and I’m putting on "horny devil" underpants on.  I tried to do it as discretely as possible, using the towel as a shield, but of course towels shift and jeans don’t go on as quickly as you’d like in situations like this.  Mental note: Next time be sure to wear plain white boxers on pool day!

All in all pool day was a ton of fun that I just can’t wait to repeat.  (Note the sarcasm dripping more than a bathing suit fresh from a pool.)