I’m a confident father who is ready for whatever life can throw at me.  If my wife wants to go to a family event, blogging conference, or anything else, I’m more than happy to watch the kids solo.  Most times, it’s father-son-son bonding time.  Fun times at the park, going out to eat, or just hanging around watching TV.  These things I can more than handle.  I live for these moments.  However, when something doesn’t go right, though, I feel my wife’s absence.

Don’t get me wrong.  I miss her when everything’s running smoothly.  It’s just that, when things are going well, everything’s going according to plan.  I’m comfortable on-plan.  The boys are having fun, B’s having some much-deserved time off, and I’m getting extra bonding time.  It’s win-win-win-win.  When bad things start to happen, though, I miss her insights into what we should do as well as her assistance in handling matters.  I just don’t feel as sure of myself when flying solo.

On Friday, B left for a family function.  That night, after going to sleep, JSL woke up with a coughing fit.  It sounded like he was congested and having trouble breathing.  I tried getting him to settle, but it wasn’t happening so I pulled him into my bed.  Usually, this helps him breathe better since his head will be elevated more.  It didn’t seem to help much, though.  I was up half the night with him.

The next night, after talking with B on the phone, I tried to get JSL to drink some liquid children’s Mucinex.  Now, JSL is afraid of taking this medicine.  He’s afraid it’ll make him puke.  He’s so afraid that he gets himself all worked up and… you guessed it.  He puked.  All over the hard wood floor and carpet (and again in the tub.  Somehow, he missed most of his clothes.

At this point, he was not only sick, but overtired.  There was obviously no way he would take his medicine.  Normally, I would change him and then B would stay with the boys while they fell asleep and while I cleaned up the mess.  Instead, I needed to stay with them.  I tried cleaning up the hard wood floor’s mess while asking NHL to get JSL in his pajamas, but that only resulted in NHL laughing at JSL’s shirt being on backwards.  *sigh*  Over I went, corrected the error, got the boys ready for bed (teeth brushed and gone potty), and asleep.  Then, I cleaned the floor and rug.  Then, I cleaned the tub out and reexamined JSL’s clothes just to be sure.

I’m so glad that B’s home again!

The day after Yom Kippur, we were deciding what to do with the boys.  NHL had off from Hebrew School, so this was a rare opportunity to do something fun the whole day.  We started it off by going apple picking.  Perhaps it was the Irene and Lee rains or perhaps it was the freakish 80 degree day (resulting in shorts instead of our usual apple picking pants), but we didn’t have as much fun.  The apples didn’t look as good and we got tired quicker.  After much complaining, we called it a day and headed out.  Of course, being hot and tired didn’t stop us from picking 39 pounds of apples.  Yes, THIRTY NINE POUNDS!  Much slow cooker apple sauce will be made.

(As usual, click on the photos to enlarge them.)

After apple picking, the boys were tired and thirsty.  We considered going for ice cream, but every place was too crowded.  Besides, the apple orchard had affected B’s breathing.  (Which was already impacted from recovering from being sick.)  We needed a nice spot to relax for a few hours and B’s parents’ house got chosen.

After a short rest, NHL wanted to do something.  B and I considered it and we came up with going on a leaf-photography trip together.  First, we went home and dropped off the apples.  (This is when I weighed them too.)  I got NHL’s camera and off we went.

First stop was back to B’s parents’ house to drop off the car.  Then, we began walking.  As we walked, we talked and occasionally took photos of interesting things that we saw.

Despite the warm weather, there was no denying fall was in the air.

Eventually, we reached our destination: A local pond.  As I had guessed, the ducks were spending some time by the shore.

NHL spotted a small playground nearby and I let him play there for a bit.  Then, we went back to taking photos.

It was nice spending some quiet time bonding with NHL and he did me proud by spotting some nice shots.

Before long, though, a mistake I made prior to us leaving caught up with us.  I had forgotten to get NHL to go to the bathroom.  We had no car, there was no bathroom at the pond and we had a good 10 minute walk back to B’s parents’ house.  NHL held it in and didn’t complain much as we walked back.

Along the way, we spotted landmarks, like the stairs where we saw a chipmunk hop by as we had walked to the pond.

As we got closer, NHL was definitely slowing down more and getting a bit more cranky (as any tired, potty-emergency-stricken kid might be).  Still, he had moments when he’d ask me to take a photo.  Like of this tree that he thought looked like a monster.

In the end, we made it back.  We had a great time, made some great memories, and have some great photos to boot.  I need to take more of these walking trips with NHL before the snow begins to fall.

Most people who know me would say that I’m very even tempered.  Perhaps to a fault, even.  I can take abuse after abuse and keep my calm while trying to resolve the situation.  Indeed, if we’re ever in a situation where we need an even head, I’m the person who makes the call.  When we need someone to be forceful and perhaps even raise their voice a bit, B handles it.  (See?  We compliment each other’s talents nicely!)

However, I have a confession to make.  I actually have a very bad temper.  A horrible one, in fact.  The problem is, my temper doesn’t usually flare against people unless they are very close to me.

Growing up, I was bullied mercilessly, but I rarely lost my temper.  Meanwhile, my sister could make me blow my top with a single word or action.  She was so good at it that she made it into an art form.  She would do something to me designed to make me lose my temper.  I would blow my top and get physical (e.g. push her down).  She would cry to my parents.  They would see her down and me standing over her and I would get punished.  At the time, I thought it was horribly unfair.  It still is, but I understand it more now that I’m a parent.  When you have 2 kids with conflicting stories as to what happened, the best you can do is rely on what you have seen occur.

Later, my sister got married and moved out.  My father became the person who pushed my buttons.  In this case, he didn’t mean to do so.  It was just that I was living back at home after the freedom of college and was having trouble following the “it’s my house, you’ll do it this way” rules.  So we’d fight (verbally, rarely physically), not talk to each other for a week and then (spurred on by my mother who hates conflict) would make up just in time for the next fight to begin.

Once I moved away from my parents, we got along much better.  He’ll still get on my nerves from time to time, but not to the “I’m not talking to you for a week” level.  Now, the people close to me are my wife and my kids.

I’ve written before about how I get quiet during arguments with B.  This is primarily because of my temper.  If I talk while I’m upset and my temper flares, I’m likely to make sweeping generalizing statements that are highly hurtful and not true at all.  This will not only hurt my case (nothing shatters your argument more than a poorly thought out personal attack), but will hurt B’s feelings.  While it might feel better in the short term to rant and rave rather than hold back, it’s better in the long term to calm down before discussing sensitive topics.

That leaves the kids.  Ideally, I’d like to say that I keep an even temper at all times and never yell.  This isn’t an ideal world, though.  I try to keep an even temper and not yell, but lately it seems like the boys have conspired to push my temper to the brink.

First, NHL will refuse to do what we tell him to do and insist that things have to be done the way he wants them done, WHEN he wants them done.  Then, JSL, having just seen his brother get in trouble, will repeat his brother’s actions perfectly.  NHL will yell and scream while JSL will make mocking faces.  My blood starts to boil as I raise my voice telling them to behave.  Finally, I’m yelling outright at them and sending them to their room.

When they’re in their room and I’m calming down, I’ll get hit by a streak of guilt.  They’re testing boundaries and need to be given firm reminders of what is and isn’t appropriate, but I feel awful when I yell at them.  I *want* to be the fun loving parent who plays with them all the time and has a blast.  I don’t want to be the rule-setting parent who comes down hard on them if they decide to scream and try to run away from us in the middle of a store.  However, I have to be both.  It’s a tricky line to walk sometimes.

I definitely have room for improvement in not letting my temper get the best of me.  I’ve had success in the past with the “repeating things three times” method.  (Tell them once.  Say “Second time… [repeated message].”  Then say “THIRD TIME! [repeated message]. Do NOT make me repeat myself AGAIN!”)  I need to force myself to rely on methods like that more than yelling.

Do you ever find yourself losing your temper with your children?  What do you do when this happens?

Yesterday, B wanted to go see a friend for a quick meet-up and dinner.  I was more than happy to watch the boys.  Before she left, though, we settled on what I would do with the boys.  A local park recently paved over their pool and installed a great splash ground.  No, you couldn’t go swimming there anymore, but kids (and grown-ups) could run through the water without fear of anyone drowning.

There was only one problem in this plan: JSL didn’t want to get his face wet.  Now, JSL has no real fear of water.  When it’s raining out and we’re running to the car trying to stay as dry as possible, JSL inevitably declares “I don’t mind. I LIKE getting wet!”

Of course, when Niagara Falls sprayed us all with a fine mist, he cowered into me complaining about the soaking spray.  Where “soaking spray” = “just got us slightly wet enough that we dried off three seconds after the spray ended.”  I’ve gotten wetter running through a light drizzle.

I guess the moral of this story is that JSL likes getting wet only when JSL decides he likes getting wet.  And, even though he had never been to the spray grounds before, he decided that he most definitely did NOT like getting wet there.

I came up with a plan, though.  We went to Target for a few things and we decided to buy the boys a few pool toys to use at the spray grounds (or for when we set up our kiddie pool).  I asked JSL if he’d feel braver with some new toys.  He hesitated.  I added to the pot by volunteering to go into the spray grounds with him.  He smiled and decided that he would be brave with a new toy and daddy along for the soaking wet ride.

Once we got home, we geared up, got suntan lotion applied and went to the spray grounds.  Once we set up shop (aka put JSL’s stroller with our gear in a nice, dry location), I got one of the toys out and the boys tentatively entered the water.

NHL quickly took to the environment, though he was afraid of going under the water sprayers.  When he was young, he dragged me under much worse sprayers at Sesame Place but has since gotten hesitant of them.  JSL, wasn’t sure about entering the water at all.  I walked in and coaxed him in as well.

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, so the spray grounds was hopping that day.  I’ll admit that I wanted to take my camera with me to take pictures except that 1) I was afraid of my camera getting wet and 2) I was afraid of looking like a weirdo taking photos where kids were in bathing suits.  So I just took a single photo with my camera phone, framing the shot so it’d be clear that only my kids were in the photo.

The boys quickly make a bunch of new friends.  Kids would come up to them and ask to play with them… or maybe it was the cool new toys (a beach ball, soft “frisbee”, water football and 2 water balls).  Either way, they all had fun tossing the items and then running after them.  I even got into the fun throwing (or chasing after) items.

Lest you think it was only me playing with kids, though, I had some grown-up interactions also.  I spoke with quite a few moms who were there with their kids.  It was wonderful talking with them and seeing the various kids interacting.

Some fun moments (in no particular order):

• PRESS THE BUTTON! – There is a big red button that controls the water flow.  Pressing it gives you about 10 minutes of water time.  After that, the flow gets cut back and you need to press the button again.  This saves water in case nobody is in the splash grounds.  You would think us grown ups would get tired of pushing the button so often, but we didn’t.  We didn’t press it once.  Instead, when the water pressure dropped, the kids all shouted “PRESS THE BUTTON” at once and made a mad dash to be the one who pressed it.  NHL got it a few times and JSL even got it once or twice.  They were so proud of being the ones to turn the water back on.  Water conservation + Extra fun for kids = Double Win!
• The One Year Old – A mom was there with her one year old boy (and a second on the way).  He was having fun just sitting or standing in the water.  While the boys were playing I chatted briefly with her.  Her boy kept smiling at me and it just melted my heart.  I just love babies.  (Though, no, B and I don’t plan on having another baby!)
• It’s Raining, It’s Pouring – To help JSL get over his fear of water on his head, I playfully picked him up, said “oh no! It’s raining and I forgot my umbrella!” and ran under one of the water sprayers.  (One that really came down like rain.)  JSL told me he had one and held up a pretend umbrella.  When we got out of “the rain” and I put him down, he demanded we run through it again.  Bye-bye fear, hello fun!
• Sunglasses Almost Go Bye-Bye – In an effort to show one of the kids how easy it was to stay under one of the sprayers (one that forcefully sprayed water down), I almost lost my sunglasses.  They got pushed right off my face, the water pressure was so strong.  Luckily, I caught them.  The next time I went under that water, I was smart and removed my glasses first.

Before long, it was time to leave.  Leaving, however, turned out to be not so easy to do.  I first told them it was time to leave at about 4:15.  Then, I relented and gave them until 4:30.  Then, I got to talking with a mom about some stuff and realized it was 4:35.  So I said we’d stay until 4:45.  At 4:50, NHL was still complaining about leaving, so I told him we could stay for 5 more minutes if he stayed under the water sprayers (the rain-like ones mentioned above) for 5 seconds.  He did it so we stayed.

Finally, it was at 5pm and we really had to leave.  They still protested so I told them we could do one more run-through the rain-sprayers.  We said ready-set-go and off we went.  We came back dripping wet and laughing.  We headed for home, but not before I promised the boys that we could come back again soon.  Maybe next time B will join us and take photos or, even better, join us in the water!

If you saw my Wordless Wednesday post, you know that I have a lot of ties.  70 just in those photos, in fact.  Growing up, I didn’t like wearing ties.  As I got older, though, they began to grow on me.  Part of this might be that my father has a lot of ties and seeing my ton of ties reminds me of him.

My Aloha Friday question for today is: What items remind you of your father?

Thanks to Kailani at An Island Life for starting this fun for Friday. Please be sure to head over to her blog to say hello and sign the McLinky there if you are participating.

Aloha #92

In case you haven’t heard, Father’s Day is coming.  Growing up, this meant buying my father a tie or similar piece of clothing.  (Techy gifts while I was growing up, either were beyond my monetary means or weren’t the kind of gift he was interested in.)  And while I appreciate a nice tie, my gift preferences usually skew towards the geeky side.  Sadly, though, we aren’t super wealthy.  I can’t afford to go out and buy every single piece of geeky

tech that makes me drool.  I need to prioritize and bargain shop and Walmart is always on my bargain shopping list.  Here, in no particular order, are some tech items that I’d love to get for Father’s Day.  All of these items were spotted during a recent stroll through our local Walmart.  They are also all available from Walmart’s Father’s Day electronics page or Walmart.com.

Video Games:

Playing video games is fun.  Playing video games with my boys is extremely fun.  NHL, while not a master, has learned how to operate the controls nicely.  JSL wants to work it right, but just can’t figure it out yet.  I think he just needs more practice.  Which means I need to play more video games with him.  Oh the never-ending chores us dads must undertake!

Roku

Yes, we already have two Roku players.  One in our living room and one in our bedroom.  Why do we need a third, you ask?  Well, our upstairs room (used by the boys as a play room) doesn’t have one.  In fact, since it only has basic cable TV (and a DVD player but the DVDs are kept downstairs), that TV would benefit greatly from a Roku player.  Plus, the boys could rock out with Pandora in the larger play room space.

iPad 2

Don’t ask me how we didn’t get a photo of this.  I drool over the thought of having an iPad to use.  Oh the web browsing I’d do.  The apps I’d download.  The Angry Birds I’d fling at green pigs.  Excuse me while I get my drool mop.

LCD Monitor

I recently inherited a desktop computer that my parents didn’t need anymore.  I want to set this up to be a print/file server, but I need a monitor.  I have two CRT monitors I could use but they are big, hulking affairs.  They work fine, but they take up so much desk space.  How much nicer would it be to have this slim number on the desk instead of the giant dinosaur?

Disclosure: I wrote this review while participating in a blog tour by Dad Central Consulting on behalf of Walmart and received a promotional item to thank me for taking the time to participate.

Over at ManOfTheHouse.com, they’re running an interesting elimination bracket.  Giants are facing off against each other to see who is the best of their group.  No, I’m not talking about sports teams going head to head.  I’m talking about such giants as Keaton, Seaver, Winslow, Micelli, Huxtable, and Foreman.  Yes, they have pit 32 TV dads in head to head competition.

You can head on over to the “World’s Greatest TV Dad” contest and vote for your favorite in each of the two dad matchups.  Each week, one dad will triumph over the other and half of the competitors will be eliminated.  The remaining dads will face each other again and again until only one is left.

Already some dads have been eliminated, including one of my favorites.  Before this contest, if you asked me who was the best TV dad to use as a role model, I’d have said Cliff Huxtable.  It’s clear that Cliff, for all the goofy things he says and sarcasm he tosses out about his ever-growing household, loves his kids.  He works hard to provide the best for them and wants to see them be the best they can possibly be.

However, for all of Cliff’s benefits, there’s another TV dad that I might hold in higher esteem.  This dad was very ahead of the curve when it comes to dad trends.  Of course, I’m talking of Tony Micelli from “Who’s The Boss.”  Tony was a single dad of modest means.  He took a job as a live-in housekeeper to give his daughter a better environment to grow and learn.  His job entailed cooking and cleaning; jobs that were not widely considered “things dads do” in the early 80’s.

To me, Micelli’s dedication to provide the best possible life for his daughter, coupled with his bending of cultural and gender stereotypes makes him a great TV dad role model in my book.

Disclaimer: I wrote this review while participating in a blog tour campaign by Dad Central Consulting on behalf of P&G and received promotional items to thank me for taking the time to participate.

Yesterday, the rain held off.  It was the perfect time to catch up on some yard work that needed to be done.  I mowed the lawn, put down some grass seed (our lawn still hasn’t recovered from the burst water pipe last year), trimmed some hedges, and potted some plants we had purchased the previous day.

While I was doing this, the boys were inside with B.  They could have come out, but they don’t like the noise that the lawn mower puts out.  JSL, who came out for a little bit, freaked out that every small flying bug was a bee coming after him.  Besides, I had set up NHL on my computer and he was having a blast playing Angry Birds, Gravity Duck and other games online.

So I had the time to myself.  It was nice.  I had peace and quiet and could think while I lugged heavy bags of dirt or pushed our mower up and down the yard.  I began to enjoy my “Dad’s Day Out” until it hit me.  This *was* the closest thing to a dad’s day out that I’ve had in awhile and I was doing yard work.  Some day out.

I began to think about how I’d rather spend a day out by myself.  Suppose B came up to me and told me that, this coming Sunday, she would take the boys and I could do whatever I wanted.  What would I do?

I don’t have any family or friends here and it often feels like I switch between “Worker Mode” (where I’m in an office all day with little to no social interaction beyond “we need you to do this for us”) straight to “Dad Mode” (where I try to cook meals, take care of my wife and kids, clean up, etc).  If I’m not in “Worker Mode” or “Dad Mode”, who am I?  Who is TechyDad when he’s not coding web sites or being a dad?  I’m not sure I have an answer for that question and it scares me.  I love being a web developer and I love being a dad, I don’t think it is too much to ask to be able to be “just me” from time to time. 

The dream I had last night isn’t helping my mood, either.  I was with B and my parents visiting my grandparents’ grave site.  Only, I didn’t know exactly where it was.  Somehow, I got separated from everyone.  As I tried to find them and the gravesite, they visited the grave and then prepared to leave.  I tried to explain to them (via cell phone) that I still needed to visit the grave, but they told me they’d leave without me if I didn’t get to the car.  Then, B came by to bring me back to the car over my objections.  I was almost in tears over being denied the opportunity to visit my grandparents’ grave when I woke up.

I’m not sure if the dream is somehow related to the “Who am I” feelings from the previous day, but this wouldn’t be the first time that I dreamt about something bothering me.  Between yesterday’s identity crisis and this morning’s bad dream, you’ll excuse me if I’m feeling emotionally on edge today.

Today, over on TheAngelForever.com, B is recounting the story of her mom field trip with Christina from CutestKidEver to see Rene Syler (aka Good Enough Mother).  But what of the flip side?  What did the boys and I do while B went on her road trip?  Well, the boys and I had our own fun times.

As you may remember, I was undecided on whether or not I should go to Free Comic Day.  After B left, I made my decision: We were going.  I armed the kids with their Green Lantern rings from our Green Lantern party, got them into the car and headed over to Zombie Planet.

I had heard that the 501st, a group of Star Wars fans who dress up like Stormtroopers, would be there.  NHL was excited to see “costumes.”  Ever since Disney, he’s gone costume-crazy.  He must meet (and get his photo with) any costumed character who is anywhere near him.  He was not disappointed.

We got out of the car and there, in front of the store, was a single Stormtrooper.  He was joined by a Tusken Raider.

The Tusken Raider would occasionally make a growling sound (like the one that the movie Tusken Raider made as he stood over Luke Skywalker).  This scared NHL off from getting his photo taken with the Tusken Raider.  So we went indoors and proceeded upstairs to the free comics section.

Unlike last year, when it was “take as many as you like”, there was a 5 comic per person limit.  I had gone online the previous days to Free Comic Book Day’s website to see which comics would be available.  This meant that I knew just which comics were the best for my boys and which should be skipped.  The only complaints from the boys came when NHL looked out the window and spied Spider-Man.  He insisted that we *HAD* to go outside right now to meet the web slinger.

I explained to NHL that we needed to check out (even we had nothing that we were being charged for).  Besides, I had brought some Phineas and Ferb action figures that needed peg stands.  I hoped that the comic shop would be able to help.  (Sadly, they didn’t have what I needed.)

Finally, we left the comic shop and NHL immediately approached Spider-Man for a photo.

Then, I made a Geeky Daddy decision.  NHL was wearing a Green Lantern ring.  Green Lanterns Hal Jordon was supposedly “born without fear.”  So I couldn’t very well let him leave afraid of the Tusken Raider, could I?  I’d have been deducted 30 Geek Points!

I spoke with him about it and he finally agreed to get his photo taken.

After that, we headed home for lunch and some comic book reading.

Once the boys were fed, I decided that it was too nice of a day to be couped up indoors.  So we grabbed some of our colossal cannons and headed out to play.

Eventually, NHL had a bright idea.  His great-grandmother had given them some butterfly nets, but NHL thought they’d make great colossal cannon disc catching nets.  And they did!

Our next door neighbor’s daughter, N, also came over and played with the boys for quite awhile.  Eventually, they tired of chasing after green discs and wanted to play with bubbles.  Cue the Winnie the Pooh bubble blower!

They also wanted to play with chalk and I eventually relented.

I noticed the skies were getting dark and warned the boys that we might have to go inside soon.  Besides, B’s return time was getting closer and closer.

As B pulled up, I hurredly gathered the chalk and got the boys (and N) off our driveway.  The boys said goodbye to N and hello to B.  Then, as we walked in, the heavens opened up.  Perfect timing!

The boys and I had a fun day together and B had a nice Mommy Road Trip.  I’d call that a win all around!